You’ve met through a professional dating agency while you were still working in London. That was several years ago. It was exciting from the very beginning, and the agency seemed to have done its homework well in putting the two of you together. You were still starting with your company, with less responsibility and less stress. Fast forward today, where you’re now part of the executive leadership team, and with three kids, you’re trying to reminisce those passionate and exciting times with your partner during those early months, even years.

Both of you still care deeply about each other and love your family very much. But you won’t be true to yourself if you don’t admit that part of the spark that you shared before is missing. You’ve told your best friend, who’s a professional psychologist specializing in family counseling, about the situation. You asked her about how both of you can regain the spark back.

Here are a few things that your psychologist friend might have told you about:

Historical Review

Naturally, it won’t always be a bed of roses. An initial step that you can take as an individual and as a couple is to have a better understanding and appreciation of what you have now rather than what you enjoyed before. If you feel truly blessed having a family, focused on appreciating that more. Do both of you have thriving careers?

couple holding hands

Regaining the Spark

It always starts with communication. Recognizing what you need to focus on about each other is a crucial component of regaining that spark. Here are more pointers:

  1. Physicality. It’s not just about sex. A simple touch, wiping your hair or hugging. Physical contact is known to release oxytocin, otherwise known as the “cuddle” or “love” hormone. It’s also not about consciously rationing these touches, making it unnatural. It’s acknowledging that you need to keep some level of physicality in your relationship.
  2. The eyes of love. The alarm sounded. You get up, and you start getting ready to go to work. Why not turn to your partner and say good morning and look into each other’s eyes first? One researcher suggests that catching each other’s glances establishes neural synchrony, which supposedly stimulates the simultaneous release of oxytocin in couples.
  3. Share new experiences. Bungee jump. Eat snakes. Run a marathon. If these activities haven’t been in your relationship menu, you should at least consider one. Are you not into eating snakes? That’s fine. The point is that research suggests that doing new things together frequently is the common thread among couples, who keep it “hot” even after years of being together. Keep the essential routines but also explore new experiences to share.
  4. Make special occasions special. A new watch as a gift for your anniversary is fine. But experts say that the best gift is time. Always plan something for those special occasions, and they don’t need to entail material gifts. A planned walk in the park capped by coffee or ice cream will do or a trip to a vineyard where you can taste your favorite wines.

Go somewhere secluded and make out in your car. Pack a basket and go on a picnic. Binge-watch movies. You can do many things to rekindle the fire. Start with these suggestions and see how it goes.